What's next?

So it's been almost a year and a half since a blog. That sounds like a long time, right? Funny that reading the last post, I don't feel 15 months diffrent. Sadly the optimism of my first few posts do feel like a long time ago. I have to move in 6 weeks. My roomate and the dog are moving in with the fiance'. Good for them. To be fair, I've been sick for a week so maybe things just seem worse? or not. My brother is a struggling alcoholic, over the holidays it came out that he feels like he has nothing to live for. I didn't have a lot to tell him because I, not stuggling with alcohol, don't really know what I'm living for either. Not that I would do anything like try and end my life, I won't. I'm still hoping to figure it out. Whatever that means. I just don't know what's next.

back in blog-woman under construction

So. It's been over 7 months since I've typed here. I have been twittering more faithfully- but that's work stuff. I Facebook less, the mix of friend friends and work people friends give me hesitation in sharing more of myself there anymore. Although I wish that wasn't the case. I wish I was just me always, but I can't be.

At the start of this place, my blog, I had started my co-dependency revelation. I took the class a second time, determined now past the shock of new perspective to try and understand it more. That finished up in May. It was just as hard or harder the second time around. Still hard. That foundation I build a bulk on my life on is bull dosed and wrecking balled to pieces. and very honestly I feel a mess, an empty fractured mess.

I googled happiness today and found this: Oxford Happiness Questionnaire
http://www.meaningandhappiness.com/oxford-happiness-questionnaire/214/.

I took the test and scored a 3.3. They say general average happiness is a 4 out of 6. That sounds about right. And from the questionaire here are my issues -my lowest scores:

• I don't feel particularly pleased with the way I am.
• I feel I am not especially in control of my life.
• I don't have a particular sense of meaning and purpose in my life.

That last one is for sure the biggest happiness busting one for me. I think I used to have meaning and purpose but now I am seeing so much of what I had put meaning in and pushed myself on as purpose was a lot of unhealthy crap! So. These are the things I need to ponder. I have to find the truths of what these statements mean for me now. In doing so I supose I'm hauling out that old foundation, scraping it, clearing it away so I can re-build.

Reading that I should feel excited, a new life maybe, but that is not at all how I feel. Not at all. I'm sad and scared. A little angry, I feel like I have wasted so much time believing lies. I'm stuck too. Not sure what to do next. Not having the energy. Not trusting myself or anyone else to tell me. But, the stuck is getting old. I am tired of being tired. So here I am writing about it.

So I suck at this...

I am more a talker than a blogger, I guess. I think of things to blog about then think, "Naa not really interesting." This blogging thing- do I just ramble on? Try and entertain? Just be myself? I guess a little of all of that. So I'll just start typing. I have been alone in my apartment for 48 hours. Well I left once to unsuccessfuly scour Jefferson City for a couple DVDs. I went to 3 places looking for sex, lies and videotape and/or Funny Ha Ha. No luck. Although Target does have an IFC indies section that was impressive. Go Target. I did purchase a headphone dealy for my cell phone that doesn't work very well. I should take that back to Best Buy- if I ever leave my couch again. My roomate (for the last 7 months) is visiting her family and she took my nephew puppy (of 1 month) with her. So, having the apartment to myself has been so nice. All pj's and junk food and napping and up till 2am. And aside from one of the days being that awful holiday that celebrates something that doesn't exist (at least not for me) I'm having a nice hibernation. I do this sometimes. Especially after I've had a stressful few weeks- I just have to totally veg. I cleaned out my DVR. Anyone else watch Nip/Tuck? Not lovin this season. Not gonna watch the Animal Planet dog training shows till they get home- that English chick is pretty cool. Anyway. I wanted to watch those particular movies because I came back from Sundance this year with an idea for a film. I have done this before. This year was my 7th time in Park City for "film mecca". Ten years ago was the first time I went. In 2000, I had just graduated college and was clueless about my future. Hopefully clueless. Now 10 years later, I have been working in film the entire time. Learning, listening, getting inspired. Heck I even taught a class on The Business of Film last semester. But, but I'm still not doing what I want to be doing. Actually creating product. Developing. That is my favorite part. I have worked with several projects in the last 10 years, but not one of my own since 2002. So I'm putting all this in writing because I want to work on this newest inspiration. I don't fancy myself a writer. I have worked with writers with varying levels of success. This one I'm gonna take a stab at myself. I just need to work on it. Start typing. Wish me luck. I'll keep you posted.

Human Needs?

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Basic Human Needs

http://www.itstime.com/jun97.htm

No, this is not a flash back to psych class, chill. More new year examined life stuff. So how are we doing on the triangle? Sex is on there twice. I'm just saying. The link is interesting- 9 Human Needs: Security, Adventure, Freedom, Exchange, Power, Expansion, Acceptance, Community, Expression. Similar, diffrent. It's all a lot to think about. Yeah, well right now I just NEED sleep. Very Sleepy, nite nite.

Giggle Like a Schoolgirl!

That's my New Year's resolution- well the priority one-that we laugh more. Yes WE because I can't do it all alone, well I can I guess, but it's not the same. The FAB FOUR got together for a holiday dinner/cookie baking & icing/game time together and we laughed and laughed and laughed. It turned to all out cackling. Laughing with friends- can it get much better than that?

There are a lot of great things "they" say about laughter. I kinda have a thing for quotes so you'll see a lot of them here like these: "If we couldn't laugh we would go insane" from Jimmy Buffett and this one,"With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die." from Abraham Lincoln. Not real often you put those two together in one sentence!

"They" also say lots of things about how laughter heals, cleanses. Really I've heard there is scientific evidence to back it all up- miraculous terminal laughter recoveries. I'm upping my dosage on pre-emptive laughter treatment. Oh the Yiddish-"What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul, " a Yiddish Proverb or "Laughter is inner jogging" from Norman Cousin which, come on, is way better than outer jogging ANY DAY!

Not necessarily medical advice, "Laughter is the corrective force which prevents us from becoming cranks" reccomends Henri Bergson and don't we have enough cranks around as it is? e.e. cummings encourages, "The most wasted of all days is one without laughter." So let's fill o9 with all the best kinds of laughing- the belly laugh, the beverage out your nose laugh (though that one sometimes hurts), the eyes watering, can’t breathe laughing. I have a couple friends who laugh so hard they snort- you know who you are! I love it!


And here it is (dramatic pause) I saved the best for last-It's Author Unknown-too bad someone doesn't get credit for this one. Prepare yourself. "Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense." Go ahead and read that one again, slowly. Does it make you smile? I'm smiling. Wow, that IS good. It is going to be a good year! Bring on the krazy laughter-yes, Yes, YES.

3 Things I am LOVING this week...

ElfYourself.com. You gotta go there. You upload pics- heads of people you know and yourself of course and they turn into dancing elves. So funny, so fun and addicting. I have made 13 dances- so far. I made my mom get up out of bed last night to look at the one I did with her, my uncle, brother and I. We laughed and laughed. She woke up my brother and made him watch. And we giggled all together; them in Texas and me in Missouri -over phone lines and the internet. And that’s what this season should be all about right? Laughing together and I guess eating cookies. It’s also the season for frightful weather outside. So my next favorite thing this week is spray de-icer. That stuff rocks. Just spray and go. No more hacking away with frozen fingers. Just spray and the ice and snow turn pink -then go away. Last but not least, I made instant potatoes -from a box- for the first time EVER this week, twice actually. Potato flakes! Wow. I do not really cook. It does nothing for me, it takes too long. Not this box of potato yummyness. Fast, easy. And the packet of country gravy is also easy, also tasty. Hmmm. I just might make them again!

Craigslist Rocks!

Have you bought or sold anything on craigslist yet? I highly recommend it. It is a little strange at first. Total strangers e-mail you- not the strange part since total strangers e-mail me at work every day. The strange part is that total strangers come to your house or meet you in public parking lots or you go these strangers houses. Then there is a transaction. Money for stuff. Yesterday I met a total stranger in the Walgreen's parking lot, he was the husband of a total stranger I e-mailed about buying some vintage jewelry. He did look like Santa, she was right. We stood in the freezing cold looking at the jewelry and I paid him in cash. It did feel strange, and I've done this before. Lots of times. I may have an addiction. Maybe. One night last summer I had work in St. Louis and hunted the St. Louis area craigslist ads the night before. I found many things I might need to have. I e-mailed several total strangers and after my day of work before my two hour drive home I made three stops in pouring rain. I bought the stuff in the total strangers' strange houses oogled by their strange kids and strange dogs. It was great. I bought my roommate an amazing Japanese fan for her Japanese themed bedroom- a great housewarming, Thank you Craigslist!