back in blog-woman under construction

So. It's been over 7 months since I've typed here. I have been twittering more faithfully- but that's work stuff. I Facebook less, the mix of friend friends and work people friends give me hesitation in sharing more of myself there anymore. Although I wish that wasn't the case. I wish I was just me always, but I can't be.

At the start of this place, my blog, I had started my co-dependency revelation. I took the class a second time, determined now past the shock of new perspective to try and understand it more. That finished up in May. It was just as hard or harder the second time around. Still hard. That foundation I build a bulk on my life on is bull dosed and wrecking balled to pieces. and very honestly I feel a mess, an empty fractured mess.

I googled happiness today and found this: Oxford Happiness Questionnaire
http://www.meaningandhappiness.com/oxford-happiness-questionnaire/214/.

I took the test and scored a 3.3. They say general average happiness is a 4 out of 6. That sounds about right. And from the questionaire here are my issues -my lowest scores:

• I don't feel particularly pleased with the way I am.
• I feel I am not especially in control of my life.
• I don't have a particular sense of meaning and purpose in my life.

That last one is for sure the biggest happiness busting one for me. I think I used to have meaning and purpose but now I am seeing so much of what I had put meaning in and pushed myself on as purpose was a lot of unhealthy crap! So. These are the things I need to ponder. I have to find the truths of what these statements mean for me now. In doing so I supose I'm hauling out that old foundation, scraping it, clearing it away so I can re-build.

Reading that I should feel excited, a new life maybe, but that is not at all how I feel. Not at all. I'm sad and scared. A little angry, I feel like I have wasted so much time believing lies. I'm stuck too. Not sure what to do next. Not having the energy. Not trusting myself or anyone else to tell me. But, the stuck is getting old. I am tired of being tired. So here I am writing about it.